Assorted Noticings: Premier League Gameweek 35

Where Arsenal Get Out-Arsenaled, and Chelsea Remember They're Actually Chelsea.

Just two Assorted Noticings this week for you, friends. I had endeavoured to always go for three in this little column but I spent half of my Bank Holiday Sunday in A&E with a ‘Proximal Phalanx Fracture of the 4th Digit’ and ‘Grade 1 Tear of the Rectus Femoris’ (cracked my finger and pulled my thigh). So walking, living and, most importantly, writing… are something of a chore.

However, the two this week are both Very Good.

1. Everyone’s A Gangster Until A Real Gangster Walks In

Fun one here, as Arsenal’s Nicholas Jover, Sky Sports’ Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion of Clever Set-Piece Goals, had to sit and watch his team concede… a clever set-piece goal. Loads was made of the long-throw equaliser (Tony Pulis has inflicted generational trauma to season-ticket holders in this stadium), but Evanilson’s winner was better imo.

So here’s the set-up…

First off — not one single Bournemouth player starts in the back-post area. A refreshing twist on their opponents’ traditional set up of every player standing in the back-post area. Instead, I want you to pay attention to Kerkez (3), Brooks (7), and Adams (12), all conveniently highlighted for you. These chaps are the Blockers — and they’re about to make this goal without ever touching the ball.

Arsenal have their three best headers (Kiwior, Merino, and Saliba) marking zonally in the six-yard box, and Saka (highlighted in red), is there to stop anyone making a late run in.

As soon as the corner is taken, both Adams and Kerkez physically grab hold of their markers. This is Ben White and Lewis-Skelly, and their job is to intercept a ball into the near-post and win any ‘first contact’ in that area. Except, LOL, you can’t really do that if you’ve got to somehow run through a sweaty human being and his flailing arms to get there. Hence; blockers.

Meanwhile, Kerkez and Tavernier have both set off on their runs into the box, but look at the respective positions of their heads. Tav is looking at the cross, attempting to meet it, while Kerkez has eyes only for Saka, attempting to smash straight into him like Adam Sandler in The Waterboy. Hence, again, blockers.

But this is the fun part.

Note A) that the optimal position for a near-post header is now entirely open as its designated challengers are being Wrestlemania-Seventeened from reaching it and B) the sheer ‘ohshitohshitohshit’ body language of Arsenal’s two best headers Merino and Kiwior (highlighted) as they realise what’s being done to them.

Tavernier, having had zero trouble evading the attentions of Saka, is making a clear run into it and the ball — which, yeah, I can’t actually see either in this still (I think it’s that white bit next to the steward above the letter E? maybe?) — is on its way to meet him.

Boom. Killshot.

Now whether the plan here is for this to be an effort on goal or redirected to the back post is between Andoni Iraola and God, but as well as Evanilson now wriggling free of Odegaard to apply the finishing touch, observe our last little nuance here… Zabaryni.

As well as pinning Raya to stop him coming for the initial kick (scroll up, look at his starting position) he’s now also pinning Trossard from getting any further away from the goal. Meaning that any player lurking further on for a tap in will still be onside after they slip their marker. Which Evanilson both does and, by extension, is.

Fun twist! If you rewind this and just watch the movement of Semenyo (24) and Huijsen (2), they actually start like they’re going to attack the corner, but run backwards when it’s taken to pull Martinelli and Partey away from contesting the knock on. Both have a near-perfect ‘like dicks in the wind’ stance by the time Tavernier heads it on.

One of the best corners I’ve seen since Muller started adding those crunchy little chocolate balls into their yoghurts.

2. Where For Art Thou Romeo? (Lavia)

The Haters™ and The Losers™ will tell you that Chelsea rolled over Liverpool this weekend because Slot used midfielders four, five, and six instead of one, two and three. But that does a frankly egregious disservice to the victors.

The return of Romeo Lavia (making his first proper start since he was injured at the beginning of December) allowed Enzo Maresca to return to the squad and the system that had them looking like shock Premier League title challengers. This entire season, Chelsea have lost only once when fielding him, Enzo Fernandez and Moises Caicedo in the same Starting XI — and played their absolute best football when shifting the latter into right-back for some ‘I'll invert, you push on’ frivolity.

Today, sandals on or otherwise, the Champions of England saw that for the first time this year and couldn’t deal with it.

This is Caicedo’s average position and heat map from the game. Call me a weird little freak, but it amuses me greatly that the Premier League’s best ‘inverted full back’ is actually a £100m defensive midfielder. You can see he spent way more time in this match in the centre of the pitch than he did in the back line, and I’m still struggling to remember a single thing Cody Gakpo managed to do with that fact. Although, admittedly, by 4.30pm I was off my tits on Codeine and trying to knock together a Sunday dinner.

This base of an inverted Caicedo (I mean, look where he is here) coupled with Romeo Lavia, allows Chelsea to play both Palmer and Fernandez in the enormous channels offered by the width the front three hold. You can see it above, with them just having won the ball back, all five are absolutely primed to burst forward without having to worry about what happens if they lose the ball.

So much so, in fact…

That by the time Fernandez rifles the ball into the net, all five of them are physically in the box. There are virtually no other teams in the league that are capable of counter-attacking or playing so direct with that many players. Even Nottingham Forest, the kings of this, only commit the front four to breaks upfield.

Chelsea are only capable (or willing, your call) of being this ambitious when Lavia is in the side. While it comes too late to get a title-charge back on the agenda, it’s a much-needed shot in the arm for a team who probably have to get something at both St James’ Park and the City Ground if they’re going to squeeze into the Champions League places next season.

Anyway that’s it from me this week as I have to sit and ice a notable percentage of my actual body. Why not subscribe to 87 Minutes for the really really good posts, where I imply Alexander Isak lost his leg in some unknown war or explain Nottingham Forest’s season in the style of a Seinfeld opening monologue.