Good Football Is Shit (And I Can Prove It)

Playing out from the back is for nerds, and it's getting everyone relegated.

Hi everyone! Quick question for you.

What, - the fuck -, is this…

This is going to sound very much like an old man in the pub going on about the fact that there’s now a Polish food aisle in the big Tesco and, while it’s not that, it’s also not not that either.

This is from the Southampton-Chelsea game last week and it’s stuck with me ever since because - two facts - it’s in only the 17th minute and, also, comes fairly soon after Southampton have just scored a really well-worked goal to get themselves back to 1-1.

That’s the same Southampton, by the way, who are rock bottom of the Premier League, in serious danger of being labeled “cut adrift” before Christmas, and should be willing to hoy their own mothers into a boiling cauldron if a mischievous gang of witches offered them a solitary point against second-in-the-table Chelsea.

Like, genuinely, what is the thought process here?

Joe Lumley (a good goalkeeper by the way! Not, as it looks here, a man still recovering from major brain surgery!) has a number of options that are considerably better than a lax pass into Kyle Walker-Peters. I’ll even list them for you.

1. Something to his right into Nathan Wood, who’s got more time and space than he does.

2. A little curved number out to the left touchline where Ryan Fraser stands entirely unmolested.

3. Just launching it forward, where he’d be in zero risk of just giving a goal away.

4. Picking the ball up and eating it, as a stunned crowd watches on in horror and Christopher Nkunku flees for his life.

But he can’t do any of these, can he, because they wouldn’t be considered… “good football”.

Well, not “good” necessarily. But a really specific tactical identity that managers emerging from the swampy mire of the football league are absolutely *obsessed* with despite it patently, obviously, dependably, infuriatingly, not being a viable option for them after promotion. Keep the ball, control the early phases, manipulate the opposition’s press, play through them, attack the space you’ve created, something something, score goals.

I’m not picking on Southampton here (I am picking on Southampton here), but they are by far this season’s worst offenders. The example above is one of ten - FUCKING TEN - mistakes they’ve made that lead directly to a goal. That is almost a third of the 31 they’ve conceded. Let’s Roleplay.

You’re at home to the team top of the league. You’re 30 minutes in and, y’know what, you’re doing really good! You’ve had some chances! You’ve restricted them! In their frustration an inexperienced right-back has a tame go from fully 25 yards that trickles harmlessly into your goalkeeper’s arms. This is where we are, and I’ve neatly highlighted the number of opposing players you’d describe as being ‘in the area’.

Three options lay before you.

A) Break!! Take fully seven of their team immediately out of the game by either throwing or kicking to any one of your attackers in the middle of the pitch.

B) Take your time!! Hold onto the ball for as long as you’re allowed, giving both teams the chance to reset and build-up in the way you’ve trained.

Or, C) Just, like, stick your fingers all the way down your throat.

Alex McCarthy (again, a good goalie!! Not a medical marvel who somehow retains motor functions despite having two thirds of his head blown off by a shotgun) does… this.

My second favourite bit by an absolute country mile is the immediate raising of the arm telling him to get rid of that. “Quite the predicament you’re in there, mate! No idea how that’s happened but best not to take any chances, eh!”.

My first favourite bit though is the reaction of the entire team after the ball is quite predictably lost and Dominik Szoboszlai lofts it straight back over them all into the net. It is art, quite frankly.

They lost this game 3-2. The fifth time already this season they’ve been beaten by a single goal. Football’s too complex to say with any certainly where they’d be in the league if they hadn’t shipped double figures as a direct result of fucking around with it needlessly, but I can tell you they’d be between Brighton (7th) and Brentford (8th) for goals conceded. Currently they’re 20th, eight points from safety, and the entire team is dreading the “so, how’s work?” question at the Christmas dinner table.

I mean, I do get it! This absolute fetishisation of keeping things short and clever got them promoted, but that’s because when they rolled the ball out last season they were getting pressured by Plymouth, Huddersfield, and Rotherham (no offence, no offence, no offence). Teams with vastly inferior technical quality, who’d be reluctant to overcommit numbers at that end of the pitch anyway.

But it’s not just Southampton, is it.

Here are fellow strugglers Ipswich Town, tied at 1-1 with the imperious (but not unbeatable!) Manchester City. They took an early lead, but less than two minutes prior to this moment, conceded to bring things level. Nothing daft now lads, so I have helpfully highlighted above some decent options for goalkeeper Arijanet Muric. He can play directly into three unmarked players further up the pitch, or even go for a hopeful punt into the centre-forward to have him compete for a header. All “good options” but sadly not “good football”. So what happens instead?

Ah yes, the secret fifth option. Just fanny on it with long enough that you wind up giving it away, falling face-first outside your box, and letting Kevin De Bruyne roll it into an empty net. Why didn’t I think of that?

I’ve got more.

Brighton (in yellow) mere minutes away from a hard-fought 2-1 away win. Send that ball upfield and you’re as good as home!

And Sean Dyche’s own goalkeeper passing up the chance to just fully twat it and, instead, pivot into space like he’s Andrea Pirlo.

There’s a folder on my computer with about nine other examples. And they were just the ones off the top of my head.

Some historical precedent for you. Last season, only five teams made more than 20 Errors Leading To A Shot in the Premier League. Three of them were Chelsea, Tottenham, and Brighton. Now, yes, the latter were a clown car stuffed with over a billion pounds worth of footballers who, only now, 18 months later, look to have gotten their shit together, but the other two?

They’re sides packed with players of a proven quality at this level, and well-defined tactical identities that balance high-risk/high-reward. Yes, they’ll give you some daft chances (there’s one above!), but they are quite plainly capable of winning football matches that way, even if they both got quite badly figured out as the year rolled on.

The other two, though, were Luton and Burnley.

In the case of The Clarets, they ranked fourth in the league for passes within their own penalty area or defensive third. A scant few behind undisputed masters of bait-you-in-and-then-pass-through-you, the aforementioned Roberto De Zerbi’s Brighton, despite having some of the lowest possession stats to match. The result? A relegation that never once looked unlikely, 78 goals conceded, and a catalogue of absolute howlers. This was 0-0 at Old Trafford in the 80th minute.

My point here is this. “Good football” is all about control of the play from the back onwards. It’s about keeping your passes accurate and deliberate to move the opposition around, lure them into over-stretching, and disrupt their shape. But it’s hard! It’s really nice to watch but it’s really hard! Every other team in the league has an entire department of nerds at the training ground watching your every previous game and working out exactly where to squeeze you. Pressing is big business! Everyone’s very good at it!

If you’re jumping up a league you’re going from having one of the best squads to one of the worst; that is a fact that requires adaptation. Vincent Kompany last season, and now Russel Martin this, want this “brave” approach to be their personal trademark for no other reason than it looks good on their CVs. That’s great for them, and Vinny has a very plush office in Munich now that tells him it was worth it, but every man, woman, and child at Turf Moor had to endure one of the most excruciating seasons of their lives for him to get it.

“It’s what I believe in”, they’ll wearily recant in the post-match interview after they’ve chucked away another three points because their goalie has been warned that, for every pass he makes over 40 yards, their manager will kill another hostage. Grow up. Go long.

The historical average for promoted teams surviving their first season in the Premier League is around 58%. In the last five years though, it’s dropped to 40%. Last season it was 0%. The problem there is financial inequality, I’m not stupid, but trying to zip it round against much, much better teams isn’t helping.

Basically, if your strengths cease to be your strengths then stop playing to them! Find new ones! You see these lads on the training ground five days a week, work on something new instead of patting your own back so hard you’ve got welts.

“Good” football is good, obviously, but do you know what’s really good? Not looking like a pack of gormless tits 10 times in your opening 15 games.