Assorted Noticings: Premier League Gameweek 36

Do you know what the German for "crisp-packet hands" is?

Things happen, I’m afraid. And in the Premier League they happen with increasing weirdness every single week. Thankfully, I am here to notice them for you, so please enjoy a run down of the weirdest tactical and systemic incidents from the weekend. I’d also like a better name for next season than ‘assorted noticings’ so please seek me out on your social media of choice (@adamclery everywhere) — or drop your suggestion in the comments — to suggest some. Thanks!

1. Get You A Man Who Can Do Both

I’m hesitant to point this out because sooner or later everyone will start doing it, but this weekend saw the rare deployment of Eddie Howe’s Patented Big Match Mags Tactical Set-Up™.

Sometimes it’s hard to decide between a wildly-aggressive, man-for-man, dick-on-the-table-for-some-reason, high press… and the most negative, disgusting, game’s actually gone, low block imaginable. Newcastle have somehow learned to bust them both out in the same game.

Deploying a 3-4-3 (incidentally, adding them to the ever-expanding list of Team’s Who Do Man United’s System Better Than Man United) in light of the absences of Joes Willock and -Linton, they were gleefully dropping into a back five when Chelsea had the ball in their half.

Two things to note! First off, just how hilariously narrow the midfield are to completely shut down any chance Chelsea have of playing the ball through the centre of the pitch. And second, that Dan Burn is stepping out of the backline to further restrict the space Cole Palmer has to operate in. Newcastle were minging in the 2nd half, but this compactness limited their opponents to the sum total of nowt in front of goal.

But it wasn’t all like this!

When Chelsea had the ball at the back, they went immediately to a batshit man marking super-press to try and force them to kick long. Note, again! Dan Burn in the very bottom left of the the image there just basically following Cole Palmer home from school like the fucking Babadook.

But the best bit… look at the times in both of those screenshots. The back five and the high press are a grand total of TWENTY seconds apart. Other teams can do both of these things, but none of them are chopping between them as vigorously as Newcastle.

2. Forcefield?

Terrible news for all the American tourists who couldn’t get a ticket for the Tottenham game this weekend, as Fulham became the first team to concede three goals against Everton since about 2003. While the general consensus is that Beto’s late strike was the “worst” of the bunch for Bernd Leno — the German for ‘crisp packet hands’ is apparently “Hände von Chipstüten”, which is hilarious — the 2nd was easily the weirdest.

This is the set up for the delivery. Now, owing to the appalling camera angle and lighting situation here, you’re going to have to really squint. Highlighted in blue is the goalscorer Michael Keane (remember Michael Keane?!? haha!!) and the tiny red square is the exact spot he’s going to score from. Leno, meanwhile, is being blocked from getting to the back post by, I think, Alcaraz.

But, when the ball comes in…

… Alcaraz — either compelled by cosmic force or simply wrestled by the goalie — goes the wrong side of him. Leaving a path completely and utterly unobstructed to claiming the ball. At the top of his jump, Leno can claim this just as it passes in line with the far post but, instead, can’t mentally uncouple himself from Alcaraz.

In the end, he just stands there and watches the header bullet past him. What’s my point here? That sometimes the greatest set-piece routines are actually the prisons we build in our own minds. Also, lol, “Hände von Chipstüten”.

3. Party Marty

Arsenal’s problem, according to the rat who controls Martin Keown’s punditry through strategic tugs of his eight remaining hairs, is that they don’t have a centre-forward. Which isn’t entirely wrong, admittedly, but also not entirely right. They’ve converted their chances as well as any team this season (the league’s third-best finishers, if you can believe that), but that position isn’t just about goals.

Strikers (proper strikers, not midfielders who cosplay as one) displace the opposition like water spilling out of the bath. Some physically bully defenders out of position, but what Arsenal really lack is one who’ll make runs in behind to move entire backlines into areas they don’t want to be. Isak does it, Salah does it, Watkins does it, while Havertz, Merino, Trossard and Jesus scurry back infield wanting to “get involved”.

At 2-0 down, Arsenal started doing something they haven’t done all season. They got a runner to break into the egregious space behind Liverpool’s defenders, and started to stretch them across the pitch. Suddenly, they went from looking like they were playing a team from the year above them in school, to staging an improbable comeback.

First half vs 2nd half they had twice as many shots and 4x the xG (5 to 10 and 0.5 to 2.1, if you’re arsed) and repeatedly found little passing corridors for Martin Odegaard to slide the ball into. Something he loves but never normally gets to do. Like a child getting to jump on the bed.

And the source of this rare delight? Shifting Gabriel Martinelli — pretty much the only player in the entire team who actually enjoys haring forward on a hope and a prayer — from the left-wing to centre-forward. Looking at this total contributions from the 1st half on the left and the 2nd half on the right (thanks, Opta) you can see the difference. Routinely involved down the flank to almost no effect… to picking his moments through the middle to quote/unquote “devastating effect”.

He got the goal that turned the game around and, were it not for an outstanding intervention in one of the examples above, likely would have got a second as well. Don’t be surprised if he finishes the season starting in this position.