Andre Onana: Too Good To Be A Goalie, Too Shit To Be Anything Else

If this man was a dog, I would have called the RSPCA on Man United by now

So, the thing about goalkeeping, right, is that it doesn’t make any sense. Or at least, it isn’t really quantifiable anywhere in the fucking ocean of stats, numbers and data that nerds like me have successfully used to completely ruin football in the air-quotes Modern Age.

And while that paragraph will one day get copy and pasted into my job application to be the goalkeeping coach of some tropical island nation (I’m not daft), I’m also using it here to talk to you about Andre Onana. A man who I’d best describe as ‘Way Too Good To Be A Goalie, But Way Too Shit To Be Anything Else’.

Since joining Manchester United he has become the poster boy for high-profile, game-costing, clown-takes-a-pratfall, Danny-Baker’s-own-goals-and-gaffes, unforgivable, unbelievable howlers. The variety of which is actually weirdly impressive.

I’ve compiled a few personal favourites here, and also included an approximate emoji representation of my face upon watching it for the first time.